MAIN STREET MAYHEM
___________________
Characters:
OFFICER WONG- the city cop.
DAVID PETERSON- owner of The Frozen Udder ice cream parlor.
PAULI FETTUCCINI- Italian owner of Tacos, Tacos, Tacos! Mexican restaurant.
JOSE RODRIGUEZ- Mexican owner of Chopstick Buffet stereotypical buffet consisting of Americanized Asian food.
OFFICER
[sits at table where DAVID waits upon his arrival]
Word on the streets David is that lately there has been some tension between you and the other restaurants on Main Street. Is this true?
DAVID
Officer, I’ve never even spoken to-
OFFICER
[interrupts David with a look of total disbelief]
Don’t lie to me Dave.
DAVID
The Frozen Udder is the best and nothing but the best! Here we offer REAL American ice cream with flavors guaranteed to-
OFFICER
[rolls his eyes]
Satisfy? Yeah, I’ve heard it a million times. Answer the question Dave.
DAVID
OK! By the end of this year we will have found a way to take those sacks of crap called “restaurants” out of business!
OFFICER
Alright, I guess I’ll take that as a yes. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do Dave. From now on, I’ve got my eye on all of you.
[OFFICER WONG gets up and leaves, saying nothing else. He heads to Tacos, Tacos,Tacos! where PALI FETTUCCINI waits upon his expected arrival]
PAULI
[speaks with strong Italian accent]
So… What is it you want to talk about Officer?
OFFICER
Word on the streets Paul is that lately there has been some tension between you and the other restaurants on Main Street. Is this true?
PAULI
Yes officer. Yes, it is.
OFFICER
Why is this Paul?
PAULI
The name is Pauli by the way.
OFFICER
Why is this Pauli?
PAULI
My friends call me Fed.
OFFICER
Why is this Pauli?
PAULI
[Italian accent becomes heavier]
Let me tell you a story about my sister Lorraine.
OFFICER
I don’t have time for stories Pauli. Just answer the ques-
PAULI
[lights a cigarette]
My sister had to sell her own child, just to get some ice cream at The Frozen Udder.
OFFICER
[laughs]
You’d have to give me some real good evidence to get me to believe that one-
PAULI
[Italian accent becomes even heavier]
Don’t disrespect my sister! Not only did she sell her child to get some ice cream at The Frozen Udder, but she then had to sell house! Just to get some food at the Chopstick Buffet. If you want affordable gourmet food, come to Tacos, Tacos, Tacos!
OFFICER
[laughs]
OK! No more stories from you today. Expect to see me again sometime soon Pauli.
[OFFICER WONG gets up and leaves, still laughing about the ridiculous story he was just told. He heads to Chopstick Buffet where his arrival is unexpected]
JOSE
Wong! Como estas!
OFFICER
Muy bien Jose.
JOSE
I know why you are here!
OFFICER
[eyes become as big as saucers]
You do huh?
JOSE
You have come to try some of my new Kung Pow Chicken!
OFFICER
[both go sit in a booth at the corner of the restaurant]
Not exactly Jose.
JOSE
[leans back in his chair]
Then what brings you to my restaurant today?
OFFICER
[leans forward over the table under the hanging light]
Word on the streets Jose is that lately there has been some tension between you and the other restaurants on Main Street. Is this true?
JOSE
I believe that if someone is a true lover of Chinese food, no ice cream or taco will ever keep them from coming to the Chopstick Buffet.
OFFICER
What do you mean?
JOSE
I wont take any part in what’s going on here on Main Street.
OFFICER
What’s going on Jose?
JOSE
Haven’t you noticed?
OFFICER
Noticed what?
JOSE
[leans back over the table]
All the falling prices, all the remodeling, all the flashing neon lights, radio and TV commercials, and billboards!
OFFICER
Well, I guess. So what.
JOSE
So what? SO WHAT!?! Officer Wong, the last few months have been one big competition to be the most successful restaurant on Main Street! Everybody is trying to put everybody else out of business. Look what happened to Glazin’ Wheels and Black Kingdom! They’re already out of the game!
OFFICER
But those were terrible restaurants any-
JOSE
I LOVED Glazin’ Wheels and Black Kingdom!
[awkward silence between the two]
OFFICER
Well, it’s all starting to make perfect sense. David Peterson told me-
JOSE
David Peterson? Owner of The Frozen Udder?
OFFICER
Yeah. He said he was going to find a way to take you and Tacos, Tacos, Tacos! out of business by the end of the month!
JOSE
[stands up, launching his chair out from under him]
That rancid bucket o’ diarrhea! Who does he think he is?
OFFICER
Pauli Fettuccini, was trying to make you and The Frozen Udder sound bad by telling me some absurd story about his sister selling her child and her house just to get some food due to high prices!
JOSE
You mean Fed? Owner of Tacos, Tacos, Tacos!?
OFFICER
Yes.
JOSE
[slams both hands on the table in anger]
Why that massive chunk o’ scum! We used to be friends… until now!
OFFICER
I think I’ve told you too mu-
JOSE
I’m going over there right now to give him a little taste of revenge!
[JOSE storms out of the restaurant, across the street, to Tacos, Tacos, Tacos!]
PAULI
[turns around in response to fast opening door]
Jose! Como-
JOSE
[forces chairs and tables out the way to get face to face with Pauli]
SHUT UP! You got somethin’ to say? FRIEND!?!
PAULI
Wait. What?
JOSE
Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know why I’m here!
PAULI
[pulls spatula out of pocket in a threatening manner]
I’ve been waiting for this day to come for a long time. The Chopstick Buffet has always been the best, and still is the best!
JOSE
That’s right! Don’t forget it!
PAULI
But now my friend… Now your restaurant and you are goin’ down. Tacos, Tacos, Tacos! will claim victory as the most successful restaurant on Main Street!
JOSE
In your dreams you chain smokin’ son of a-
DAVID
[walks in casually]
I heard some fighting and thought I’d-
JOSE
[grabs chopsticks out from behind his ear to intimidate DAVID]
David! You must be a stinky rat rectum if you think you can make plans to put me out of business behind my back!
DAVID
[looking puzzled]
Wong.
JOSE
Yeah. That’s right! You picked the wrong person to tell that one to!
DAVID
[pulls an ice cream scoop out of pocket in a threatening manner]
Well… Now that you know, I might as well get this over with right now!
[all begin fighting like maniacs for about 15 seconds until…]
OFFICER
[slams open the door, putting a crack on the glass]
JOSE! PAUL! DAVID! What are we here? A couple of toddlers playing kitchen?
DAVID
Hey! Stay out of this man! This is none of your-
OFFICER
Hey! I’m a police officer. Every part of this is my business.
PAULI
[puts spatula back in pocket]
He’s right.
OFFICER
Yeah, I am right! Jose!
JOSE
[pointing chopsticks at OFFICER WONG as if ready to strike]
Yeah?
OFFICER
Put those chopsticks away before I taze your ass! Same to you Dave!
DAVID
[slams ice cream scoop down pants in fear]
SORRY SIR!
OFFICER
That’s what I thought. Now I may have started this fight, but do you guys really think that fighting is going to lead to owning the most successful restaurant on Main Street? I mean, as far as I’m concerned… You all own successful restaurants. Just ask yourself… Am I enjoying my life, giving other lives the gift of food?
JOSE
Yeah!
[looks at Paul]
PAUL
Yeah!
[looks at DAVID]
DAVID
Hell yeah!
OFFICER
Alright! That’s what I like to hear! Now why don’t we all just have fun, be friends, and go back to doing what we should love doing the most… our job.
JOSE
We’re glad to have you as a friend Wong.
